“Do you think that this studio
would give me several hundred million dollars if I wasn’t a serious
filmmaker?” According to the legions of
“X-Men” lovers who despise his film “X-Men: The Last Stand,” the answer to director
Brett Ratner’s leering query is a resounding, “Yes!” Mr. Ratner’s movie may have made over
two-hundred million dollars in the United States alone, but it remains one of
the most violently despised blockbusters of the twenty-first century—a crude,
overblown epic that turned “X-Men,” a science fiction allegory for racism and
homophobia, into trashy, sexist entertainment.
Alas, it will not long be alone. Today, Twentieth Century Fox announced that
Mr. Ratner will direct the forthcoming sequel “X-Men: Apocalypse.” At a press conference, an obviously elated
Mr. Ratner seized the microphone, nearly screaming his credo of victory. “My return to ‘X-Men’ is a global event!” he crowed
to a crowd of dismayed reporters. “The
franchise has been gotten too dark and heavy since I left. I’m here to make it cool and fun again.”
The appointment of Mr. Ratner is certainly shocking since
“Apocalypse” has, for nearly a year, been in preproduction under the guidance
of critically-acclaimed filmmaker Bryan Singer (director of the Academy
Award-winning heist thriller “The Usual Suspects”). But producer Lauren Shuler Donner has
declared that she is “absolutely sick to death of [Mr. Singer’s] pretentious,
faux-artsy direction.”
“He’s a nightmare!” she exclaimed while Mr. Ratner grinned
wolfishly beside her. “Bryan has this borderline
fanatic obsession with making each scene beautiful and poetic. Quite frankly, his artistic integrity was
starting to piss me off. I mean, we’re
here to sell tickets, not to make the next ‘Godfather’!” “I love Bryan,” Mr. Ratner countered. “I consider him a close friend. But he just doesn’t get that twenty-first
century audiences don’t care about nuanced storytelling. They just want to see some freaking good
explosions.”
No doubt these statements will chafe “X-Men” film fans,
many of whom consider Mr. Singer’s work (“X-Men,” “X2,” and last year’s
international blockbuster “X-Men: Days of Future Past”) to be the zenith of the
franchise. But Mr. Ratner scoffed at the
notion that “Apocalypse” should be a movie made for solely for hardcore “X-Men”
devotees. “Fans?” he sneered. “We’re talking about a bunch of nerds! I just want to make a movie that’ll give the
average American family a good time.”
As the press conference concluded, one reporter gustily
asked Mr. Ratner to “please tell us that is all some sick dream.” At this, Mr. Ratner smiled. “Oh it’s a dream all right,” he
chortled. “And it’s coming to life! We’ll be in theaters next year—the same
weekend as that new movie co-directed by Christopher Nolan and Nancy Meyers!”
HAPPY APRIL FOOL’S DAY EVERYBODY!
~From
the Healthy Orange gang J
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